I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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