nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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