Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
