the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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