mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
