in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my being single is dangerous.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
