please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
