I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Randomize
