So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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