my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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