I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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