All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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