Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
