and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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