he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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