i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
