Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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