I think I died a long time ago.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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