: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize