So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
