So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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