this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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