Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
