If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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