I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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