You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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