cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
