My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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