How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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