the condom got lost in my hair
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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