you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
