Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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