Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
