i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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