I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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