new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
