Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
