Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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