I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
