Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
