that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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