dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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