I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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