You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It was like getting head from an anaconda
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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