I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
