so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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