Betty ford says i'm here all night
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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