I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
and she was petting her beer can
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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