i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
