ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
