She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
