I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
