how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
