WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
