I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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