So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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