I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
